Bits and Pieces of Us
by K9Lasko
Summary: An eclectic mix of McNozzo flash fiction. One hundred words, more or less.
1. Preface

**Bits & Pieces (of) Us.**

"**Preface"**

_**T**_his is a collection of flash fiction pieces written in response to the "NFA weekly drabbles" challenge. Each piece is inspired by a single word, and usually consists of around 100 words.

Because both DiNozzo and McGee are my favorite NCIS characters, I've decided that the bulk of the pieces will be about them, their friendship and their personal and professional relationship. Some are very McNozzo, while others could work as friendship only. These are freestanding pieces, and I've put the boys through countless situations. Some are funny, some are sad. Others are strange, random, tragic, angsty, or all of the above.

I'm rating the entire collection T.

I hope you enjoy! And please feel free to leave your thoughts as you read.

-K9Lasko


	2. Beef Log

Prompt: snack

"**Beef Log"**

_**M**_c_**G**_ee scanned the diverse selection of cured meats before mentioning, "You know, I could really go for a beef log right now."

"Pardon?" Tony was busy gazing towards their person of interest.

"A beef log," McGee answered, halting their shopping cart with a tug at the handle.

Tony glared.

"What? I'm hungry."

"We are tailing a serial murderer who _filets_ his victims and _makes mincemeat_ of their internal organs. Are you still in need of a _beef log_, McCrazyMetabolism?"

McGee thought for a beat. "Yeah, actually. I could use a snack"

"Fine," Tony muttered. "Put it in the cart."

"I'll share."

"You _will not_."


	3. Moonshine

Prompt: spike

"**Moonshine"**

"_**I**_ reckon someone done spiked the punch, Tim," Tony slurred while propping his sloppy self against the wall.

McGee frowned and scanned the crowd for Abby. "Where did she _go_," he lamented.

"I'ma gonna go over yonder…" Tony tripped over his own feet. He nearly fell, but grabbed onto McGee's shirt, using it as a ladder back to uprightness.

"Why are you talking like that?"

"I dun' know!" Tony all but sobbed, still clutching onto McGee's front. "It's the moo'shine. Damn Abby and the moo'shine! Sweet Jesus. Sweet Jesus."

McGee awkwardly patted his back. "It'll be okay, buddy… I think."


	4. Terminal Delirium

Prompt: lounge

"**Terminal Delirium"**

"_**W**_ake up, Tony. Wake up." McGee nudged weakly at Tony's shoulder. The handcuffs that connected their wrists rattled. "...No lounging on the job."

Tony had stopped talking a while ago, and this new silence had only come after a string of nonsensical mumblings. But, kneeling steadfastly at his side, McGee kept attempting to wake him.

The loneliness of their prison pressed upon them like the surrounding stench of piss and vomit. "Tony," McGee cajoled.

Finally, exhausted and dizzy, McGee awkwardly lay down on the hard floor. He pressed his head against the warmth of Tony's side. "You gotta wake up."


	5. Hot Box

Prompt: goose

"**Hot Box"**

_**T**_hey sat in the blackness of the cargo container. Heat thickened around them like tar.

"Shit, it's hot," Tony breathed out. "Some fresh air would be much appreciated. Strange. This situation has happened before. You'd think I'd've learn-"

"Would you _shut up_, already?" McGee snapped from somewhere near the opposite side. "If we're going to slowly cook in here like holiday geese, I'd at least like some peace and quiet."

Silence. More heat.

Tony groaned. "Too hot."

"Maybe we should bang on the sides again?" McGee suggested quietly.

"Too tired."

"So what now?"

Tony refused to answer.


	6. Plastic

Prompt: plastic

**Warning: **Men being crude.

"**Plastic"**

"_**T**_hey've gotta be fake," Tony commented after a brunette with perky breasts passed by.

"I don't think so," McGee said.

"Please," Tony scoffed. "I can smell fake tits from a mile away. Like a plastic surgery sniffing bloodhound."

"Right." McGee was skeptical.

"You can tell by the feel, too. How you _squeeze_-" Tony mime-squeezed two air-breasts.

The woman came up behind them. "Hi, I'm Jane. The new sexual harassment consultant."

McGee blushed while Tony immediately put his hands down.

"And by the way. I'm married." She held up a hand, a ring around one finger. "To another woman."

They blinked.


	7. Hantavirus

Prompt: junk

"**Hantavirus"**

"_**A**_ll I see here is junk, boss," Tony lamented as he searched through the pile of household crap. It all must have been dumped in this drafty old barn decades ago. He held up a (circa 1980's) hand mixer streaked with dirt.

"Keep lookin,'" Gibbs encouraged, setting aside a stack of moldy National Geographic magazines.

Tim pushed a giant blue furry toadstool chair out of his way. "All I see here is hantavirus."

"Say what?" Tony looked up. The rising dust tickled his nose.

Tim smirked. "From the dust of rodent feces."

"McGee," Gibbs warned.

"Just saying," Tim shrugged.


	8. Get Over Yourself

Prompt: cider

"**Get Over Yourself"**

_**T**_im McGee sat cross-legged on the concrete, hands propping up his face. He didn't need to look to know that DiNozzo was now sitting beside him, bringing with him some sort of pungent spicy apple smell.

Well, Tony often smelled a little weird.

"I zigged when I should have zagged," Tim murmured as his nose twitched.

"Hey, nobody died," Tony chimed in, bright and optimistic.

Tim removed his hands from his eyes and replied, his tone noticeably sardonic. "Wow, thanks, DiNozzo. Now go away."

"Suit yourself, McNasty. Just drink your cider and get over yourself."

Tim said nothing.

"You're welcome."


	9. The Last Breakfast

Prompt: doughnut

"**The Last Breakfast"**

_**A**_n early Sunday morning at the office. Just Ziva, McGee, and Tony. And a box of doughnuts left by a friendly intern.

"My stomach hurts," Tony complained, abandoning a half-eaten jelly doughnut. He was the only one eating, although McGee had his pick queued up and ready to go, sprinkles removed.

"You ate half the box," Ziva scoffed.

"I was hungry," he defended himself, slurring the words. "Ugh." The room spun around him. He blinked, heavily. "I think-" Tony stood up, confused, knocking over a trashcan.

He sank to the floor. Now, he could only faintly feel their touch. Muted. Gentle.


	10. Hey, Who You Calling

Prompt: queer

**Warning: **Hateful language.

"**Hey, Who You Calling…"**

_**T**_heir suspect was fractious. He fought the cuffs that bound him tightly to the pole. That had been Gibbs' idea.

"Boss!" McGee called, "I found two laptops and some external hard drives."

"Ha!" the man exclaimed at McGee. "Good luck, you little queer!"

"Pardon me?" Tony growled. "I didn't quite catch that."

"Don't bother," McGee intervened, grabbing Tony firmly by the arm. He was smiling; they had this guy.

Tony let out a little huff of air and ground his teeth together. "I need some air," he announced, pulling away.

Gibbs watched the exchange silently - and frowned.


	11. Lost Badge

Prompt: horror (story inspired by)

"**Lost Badge"**

"_**N**_o, no, no." McGee rifled through his backpack. He turned it over and shook it violently, but all that came out were a few granola bar wrappers, bits of paper, and stray subway tokens. He threw it to the floor and held his head in his hands. "Oh God, no," he moaned.

Watching from his desk, Tony leaned forward slightly. "What's up?" he asked. No teasing, surprisingly; just a question.

McGee raised his head to stare at Tony. "I lost it."

"Lost what?"

"My badge." McGee pressed his face back into his hands.

Tony winced. "Okay… let's retrace your steps…"


	12. Game

Prompt: game

**Warning: **Tiva. I know, I know! *wails and gnashes teeth*

"**Game"**

_**A**_ Monday afternoon. Backlog of paperwork. No case. Gibbs and Ziva were out.

"Did you sleep with Ziva?" McGee asked without preamble, voice traveling with confidence across the empty space between their desks.

Tony nearly dropped his pen. "Excuse me?" He blinked.

"I said, did you sleep with-"

"Not so loud!" Tony hissed.

"So you did." McGee narrowed his eyes.

Frowning, Tony looked back down at his work.

"You're blushing."

"I am not."

"You are."

"Let's _not_ talk about this here."

"Okay." McGee thought he saw Tony's hands shaking. "But this better not be a game to you."


	13. Crafty

Prompt: bead

"**Crafty"**

_**M**_c_**G**_ee paused when he saw Tony sitting with two little girls and a spread of colored clay bricks, a cookie sheet, and unbaked beads in various states of lopsidedness.

Tony looked up. "Wanna join us?"

"Uh, I just came for the vending machine."

"Sure." Tongue peeking out, Tony rolled a small chunk of red clay into a ball. The end result was squished.

"No, Tony. You're doing it wrong." McGee snatched the piece of clay. "Like this, " He rubbed his hands. "And now we can add stripes…"

"Wow," Tony watched.

"Can we keep him?" the girls asked together.


	14. Unbridled

Prompt: bridle

"**Unbridled"**

_**T**_he drunk man's fist struck McGee square in the cheek with the _thwap_ of knuckles against flesh. McGee barely had time to blink away the dots hovering in his vision before DiNozzo leapt to his defense. In a matter of seconds, the man was sprawled out and shrieking in shock at the sudden and unbridled onslaught.

Limping, Gibbs finally caught up to them both. He quickly took a hold of Tony's jacket and ripped him away from their drunken suspect, pinning him roughly against the door of a parked Jetta. "Cuff him, McGee," Gibbs panted.

"Which one?" McGee joked.


	15. Typing Test

Prompt: practice (story inspired by)

"**Typing Test"**

_**M**_c_**G**_ee found Tony tapping furiously at his keyboard, the tip of his tongue peeking out between his lips. Smiling inwardly, McGee slid out of his coat and sank into his chair.

Oblivious, Tony continued to tap away. Much of it was accompanied by the vigorous beating of the backspace key. Suddenly, he stopped, stared at the screen, and then pressed his hands into fists. "Dammit! Stop distracting me!"

"I didn't do anything!" McGee defended himself.

Tony clicked the mouse and started typing again. Hunting and pecking. It was painful to watch.

"Use more than two fingers," McGee suggested.

"Shut up!"


	16. University of Hard Knocks (in Bed)

Prompt: university

"**University of Hard Knocks (in Bed)"**

_**T**_hey'd been in this waiting room for hours, planted on unyielding plastic chairs. Nothing but white cinder block walls, impatient faces, and an STI-of-the-Month poster to look at.

"I got a great sex education," Tony said, paging through a magazine, "from the University of Hard Knocks."

McGee attempted to muffle his snort. "Yeah, hard knocks to the head."

"Nope," Tony smirked. "Hard knocks in bed."

"I don't need to hear about this," McGee muttered. "This lady better be guilty. My butt hurts."

"TMI."

"Really, Tony? That's 'too much information'?"

"Well," Tony paused. "…I guess it depends on why it hurts."


	17. Sauna Adventure

Prompt: steam

"**Sauna Adventure"**

"_**I**_s it steamy in here or what?" Tony exclaimed, waving at the air.

"We _are_ locked in a _sauna_," McGee commented as he struggled with the door.

"I'm glad you're so calm, McDeadpan," Tony panted, his panic rising along with the temperature. "I'm gonna start freaking out soon."

"Soon?"

Tony started stripping out of his suit.

"Hey!" McGee protested.

"I run hotter than the average man, Timmy. I am broiling." Tony was hyperventilating now, face bright red.

When the door finally opened, Tony shot out like a rocket, clad only in boxers.

"The hell?" Gibbs asked.

"He's hot," McGee explained.


	18. Terrible Child

**Author's** Note:  Hi readers! So, recently, my loyal PowerBook laptop gave out on me, so I'm technically computerless for the time being. All subsequent chapters will be painstakingly uploading from an iPhone until further notice! Thanks!

* * *

Prompt: Halloween

**"Terrible Child"**

"Did your dad really beat you for turning his ski suit into a space costume for Halloween?"

"He didn't beat me, Tim. It's called spanking." Tony picked onions off of his sandwich. "Don't tell me your parents never spanked you."

"No. They didn't." Tim frowned. "But I was never a difficult child, according to my mom."

"I got spanked a lot because I was a terrible child," Tony boasted. "I lit the draperies on fire once; it was great. Dad paid me a lot of attention after that."

"You don't think that's weird?"

"Gotta take what you can get, McPerfectConduct."


	19. Surprise!

Prompt: cold

**"Surprise!"**

Tim had been cold and distant for over a week.

"I don't know what I did," Tony griped at Abby, draping his body over her empty desk chair like an abandoned garment. "Give me a clue."

"I don't know, Tony baby."

He went home - alone - and nearly suffered a heart attack when he opened the door to a loud "SURPRISE!"

Tim sprang forward and grabbed him. "Happy birthday!"

Tony was lost.

Even Gibbs was there; he glowered by the punchbowl and said, "It's your party, bonehead."

Afterwards, Tim apologized for his silence. "You know secrets aren't my thing."


	20. Work Smarter

Prompt: block

**"Work Smarter"**

The foot pursuit was already four minutes old when they came upon the ten-foot chain link security fence. The suspect clamored up the thing before hurling himself over. He landed hard, stumbling awkwardly. But then he was off again, noticeably hobbling.

McGee grabbed at the fence, fully intending to follow.

Tony took a hold of his arm. "Work smarter, not harder, Probie."

"But-" the younger one protested.

They both heard the screeching of tires up ahead as Gibbs' car pulled in front of their limping quarry, blocking his escape.

"See?" Tony smiled.

"Get over here DiNozzo! You lazy asshole!"


	21. Desiccated Husk

Prompt: shooting

**"Desiccated Husk"**

He comes sometimes to visit the man who inhabits this room. Sits on the bed beside him and runs a trembling hand over the scar covered by thickening hair.

He looks into two eyes. Dusty hazel dulled by cocktails of psychiatric drugs, inducing a false sense of calm. The man has enough instinct left to lean into human contact, although he seems afraid. He's shaking. Afraid of everything now. Irreversibly changed since the shooting.

The cruelty of it burns deeply.

A desiccated husk.

A shadow that is, on occasion, vicious and fierce.

Kindly, he kisses his temple. "You're okay, Tony."


	22. The Divide

Prompt: divide (story inspired by)

**"The Divide"**

"You're an asshole," Tim accused.

Tony said nothing, shoving the other man's belongings into a plastic grocery bag.

"You're really kicking me out?" Tim watched his toothbrush disappear into the bag. "Over what?"

"You knew it wouldn't work out."

Tim frowned. "I never said that."

"Maybe not, but you thought it," Tony said. He looked under the bed, found a sock, and shoved that in the bag, too.

Tim was pissed. "You're so fucking insecure."

"So are you."

"I'm not. At least I know what I want. Unlike you. You'll die alone."

Tony threw the bag at Tim's face. "Good."


	23. First Times

Note: I suppose this one is more Gibbs and Tony than Tony and McGee.

Prompt: "cockroach"

**"First Times"**

The first time Tony headslapped Gibbs was also the first time Gibbs knocked him in the mouth - _hard._

During the aftermath, while the two them stared at each other with something akin to shock and disbelief, Ziva and McGee made desperate attempts to act like they hadn't noticed.

"Uh-" McGee tried, while Ziva turned to stare at a wall.

Instead, DiNozzo and Gibbs both spoke at once.

"There was a cockroach on your head."

"Touch me again and you'll be missing a tooth."


	24. Accent Wall

Prompt: "cranberry"

**"Accent Wall"**

"Blood red? I don't think so," Tony said, nixing that color swatch as soon as he saw it.

McGee sighed. They'd been at the Home Depot forever, it seemed, and he was beginning to second guess his idea to let Tony in on the new house's interior decorating decisions.

"It's not blood red, Tony. See? It says cranberry," McGee argued. He was tired of Tony's ceaseless naysaying. It was like trying to please the unpleasable. "And it's only for a - what do you call it? A one wall only thing... I don't know; I saw it on HGTV."

"Huh." Tony gave the color swatch a second look. "We suck at being a gay stereotype."

"We? You suck; I'm doing just fine over here," McGee grinned, bumping Tony in the ribs. "But I love you anyway."


	25. Swiffer

Prompt: "corner"

**"Swiffer"**

"Good grief," McGee said, staring at a rather healthy-looking dust bunny lurking in the corner of Tony's apartment. "Don't you ever vacuum? Sweep? Swiffer?"

Tony took another mouthful of scotch, ice clinking in the crystal tumbler. Only the good stuff for this current stretch of depression.

"Swiffer?" he grunted.

"Yeah."

"My maid does that," Tony moved a hand, dismissively. "But I fired her."

"Why?"

Tony shrugged.

"I worry about you," McGee admitted, as he got up from the couch.

"It's a waste, you know."

"Let me be the judge of that. Now where the hell is your swiffer?"


	26. The Third Time

Prompt: "funeral"

**"The Third Time"**

After the funeral, they sneak away from everything, grinning and touching each other with new familiarity - just like their third time together, without the awkwardness of the first time or the loving awareness of the second time.

"I think you've had too much," Tony says. He is all soft green eyes, warm smiles, and unshaved skin.

"No," Tim admits. "I haven't had enough."

"Maybe you never will."

They lean against one another, breathing each other's air.

When Tim wakes up, head full of dusty cobwebs and memories, he stares at the empty room. Sun peeks through the blinds, unbidden but not necessarily unwelcome. He sinks back onto the pillow.

The only thing that keeps him going is the happiness that he used to know.


	27. Spunky

Prompt: "egg nog"

**"Spunky"**

"This egg nog tastes spunky," Ziva observed, looking at the little cup in her hand.

McGee turned a slight shade of red, before correcting- always helpful, "Uh, I think it's skunky."

"Hardly the problem here, McGrammarian," Tony made a face. "Please stop drinking that, Ziva."

"I have a cask iron stomach." Ziva smirked over her cup and winked.

Tony looked at McGee, "What're you thinking over there?"

"Cast iron," McGee blurted. He really couldn't help himself.

"Nice try, Zee-vah," Tony teased. "You really had to enunciate to get that one wrong, didn't you?"

Ziva sniffed. "I suppose."


	28. Of Course

Prompt: "freeze"

**"Of Course"**

McGee was falling asleep again.

"Tim." Tony nudged him roughly with his knee.

"Wha-" McGee jerked suddenly to awareness, staring at Tony in alarm. "What happened?"

"You almost fell asleep again," he snapped in reply.

The cold was fraying Tony's nerves. They were both shivering hard now, despite their heavy jackets. He knew that the longer they spent here - stuck in a deep, dark freeze in this soulless metal container - the closer they came to a frigid and rather undignified death.

"You told Gibbs where we were going, right?" McGee asked.

"Of course," Tony lied.

It was Tony's fault; he loved sneaking around Gibbs' back, just to prove that he could. This time he really fucked it all up. No one knew they were here, except for the two of them and whoever locked them in here.

"Okay." McGee wiped away some moisture on his nose. It was numb. "It's not that bad in here. We can wait."


	29. Foolish Man

Note: Continuation of "Of Course."

Prompt: "deception"

**"Foolish Man"**

"Gibbs isn't coming," Tony blurted, breaking the silence.

He couldn't stand this deception. It was stupid, just a small lie. Right? But his thinking was starting to get a little hazy.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry."

He felt a hand on his knee, and then McGee said, "I told Jimmy where we were going."

Tony cocked his head. "Palmer? Why'd you tell him?"

"I don't know," McGee shrugged. "It just came out I guess. He asked what we were up to. You know, just in a curious way."

Tony chewed his lip.

"It's fate."

"Shut up about that shit." Tony's mood was sour despite the good news.

But McGee wasn't finished. "Why did you lie to me?"

"I'm a foolish man, Tim." And that was the truth.


	30. Eurovan

Note: I'm getting extremely liberal with the 100 word limit. Whoops! :)

Prompt: "apparition"

**"Eurovan"**

Tony had no idea how he found himself in the hospital - again. He couldn't even remember waking up. It was like he was dead, and then suddenly alive. He blinked several times, staring at the ceiling. He studied the tiles. He felt so fucking high, as high as a jet plane.

Somebody was talking.

"Tony? You awake? Tony?"

Tony turned his head, slowly, carefully. He felt like it might detach itself and roll away.

McGee was leaning over him like some hazy apparition. The skin around his green eyes was smudged black. He looked like he'd gone through Hell and back again. His hair was all stringy, his clothes rumpled. Very un-McGee.

"Hey," Tony croaked. "Feel like I've been hit by a... bus."

"You were," McGee replied. "Well, a Eurovan, but..."

"I had the weirdest dream," Tony then whispered.

"Huh?" McGee leaned closer.

"You wanna hear 'bout it? You were there."

"Sure?"

McGee was close now. So close that Tony could smell what he'd had for lunch. Onions. He lifted his hands, uncoordinated and shaky, IV stuck into one arm, and gripped the sides of McGee's face. He kissed him, long and dry.

Shocked, McGee jerked away.

"It was a good dream," Tony admitted before slurring, clearly unaware of reality, "Beam me up, Scotty!"


	31. The Scorpion

Note: Heavily implied sex.

Prompt: "scorpion"

**"The Scorpion"**

"Holy cannoli," Tony gasped.

Tim stopped what he was doing. "Did you honestly just say that?" His voice was muffled by the giant comforter he was under.

"Yes, I did. Now don't stop."

"I can't; you ruined it."

"Pleeease." Tony started making an obnoxious keening noise.

"Tony."

Tony stopped, paused in thought, and then asked the darkness, "What do you call that move?"

"It doesn't have a name."

"Sure it does."

"Fine," Tim relented. "I call it... the scorpion."

"Wow. It's like a porn move, Timmy. I'm impressed. Keep going."

"Shh!" Tim attempted to restart where he'd left off, but now it just felt awkward.

"Now you're shy?!" Tony was incredulous.

Tim popped his head out from under the blankets. His face was sweaty, and he looked pissed. "You wanna get scorpioned again or not?


End file.
